Post-purge

Purging just really, really wears me out. It exhausts me physically, makes me so sluggish and tired.. Is this common? My contacts tend to blur when my eyes get tired, and they always seem to blur up really badly after a purge. My heart will be really quickly, my eyes will blur, I'll feel kind of dizzy, and every body part just seems to take that much more effort to move. This is definitely part of why I want to stop... It feels as if body is just completely rebelling against me now. Haven't been doing so well in all that lately, though, even though I've been following the SGD pretty well. :X

I feel sooo tired right now. Purging is not conducive to trying to get work done, at all! Just wanna sleep. Sleep forever and ever and ever.

SGD, finally :)

Oh hey look... It's Monday and I haven't eaten since like 7-8pm last night! Finally, I can properly start the SGD.

Day 1 and 400 calories, let's do this. Going to use this to get back on my workout mojo too. Scale says I've gained in fat and lost muscle, boooo.

I just finished Wintergirls

instead of doing my homework.

Lia's realization about 0 is kind of creepy, elegant, and kind of the scary truth all at once.

It scares me that it kind of hits a bit close to home since my UGW keeps going down. Definitely nowhere close to 0 though, thank goodness.

Wintergirls was kind of an eerie read. Not quite sure why I picked it up, tbh! Has anyone else read it?

April's ending

It's been forever since I've posted... again. This past week has been nonstop allnighters and barely eating. I started eating less and less this past week, which I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. It's good because I almost made it over a week without any purging (though after I started eating more again yesterday I completely ruined that streak). But, it's bad because I feel like every time I eat less than before, I get higher expectations for myself and restrict my intake more and more. This past week, I was eating barely under 2/3rds of what I used to eat, sometimes even half the amount. And I guess I didn't eat that much to begin with, before all this b/p craziness started. I think I would still rather eat less than purge because I felt guilty every time I ate, so I guess I do want to go back to doing that starting tomorrow. Yesterday was so terrible because I suddenly started eating like a normal person again... I purged after almost every meal. The only one I kept down really was the one that I had spontaneously with a friend at 4am. lol, random, right? And also a terrible time to be eating. But we had delicious Hong Kong food like honey toast (the giant kind with ice cream and fruit ohmygod) and walnut shrimp. Today, I ate leftovers from yesterday and had some boba but purged most of it. Only once though. That was my first time purging in the shower, since my roommate came home completely out of the blue early in the day... I can't believe how easy and how much less risky it was, but I won't let myself abuse that. I still want to stop. It wears me out so much and just saps all my energy. I feel more energized eating less than eating and purging later. I've gone to the gym probably like 2 times in the past week or so. That's seriously the least I've gone since like... December. Oh! And I got a new scale last week because my old one was just freaking out all over the place (like it would say one weight, then +20lbs, then -10lbs, etc etc, crazy stuff). The new one is fucking awesome; it measures body fat percentage, hydration, muscle mass, and bone mass. It wasn't even that expensive. I believe it was about $35-38. And I have Amazon Prime so free 2-day shipping, yeahh. But I did gain weight, like I had feared. I'm pretty sure it's at least like half muscle weight but still feels bad. And I really don't need/want anymore muscles. I'm seriously lost trying to figure out how to get thinner legs right now. Like, they're almost all lean already, so...when I'm done losing the fat (if that ever happens..) then.....what will I do then? My thighs make me the most self-conscious... But I don't know how to make them smaller since it's already almost all muscle. Really been bugging me lately... And I've been trying to work out my legs less and focus on my upper body for now until I've figured this out. Any tips/help?

Okay, back to homework... Last week of classes are over!! But I have 3 outstanding assignments, sigh. Hoping for more relaxation during finals week, ironically.

Stay well, everyone.

Need to stop

It's still kind of hard to keep food down, or just be okay with food in general. I'm always either not eating or eating everything in sight. Go me.... :(

Earlier, I went to the gym, did my new workout (I'm actually sore from the past couple days of new workouts, by the way, yay!), and then ate a metric fuckton. That went something like this: the remainders of an apple (ok), a bag of nut mix (ok..ish), some steamed cauliflower (ok), a bit of asiago cheese (ok...), and thennnn... a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich (ehhh), shitton of ciabatta bread (eateateateat eat everything), a mini bagel (still eating still eating), another bag of nut mix (what am I doing), some more asiago cheese (ugh), and then I downed a Coke Zero (purging is imminent). And so I went and purged basically everything up to the cauliflower, I think. That's my first real(?) binge in a long time. Tomorrow will be better....I hope?

I went and inspected the state of my teeth and throat in the mirror too, and...I am most definitely ruining both by b/p so much. Or just at all. So...this needs to stop, and I'll just go back to my not-eating..... It's a bit scary how easy it is to transition between not eating and b/p-ing. But, at times like these, I'm glad for it. I used to be praised all the time for my white teeth. I see bits of yellow/darkness forming between my upper molars now....... That just breaks my heart.

This is (once again) day 0, no more purging.

Decent day

I didn't do too badly today! I didn't have anything but a milk coffee during the afternoon and then a leftover slice of pizza for dinner. That's not too bad, even though I'd rather have my (bigger) meal at breakfast, but I woke up late today so oh well! However... my terrible roommate brought back an entire containerful of leftover Subway cookies and I couldn't keep myself from eating some. :( Damn you delicious pastries and damn you roommate. If it weren't for that, my day (food-wise) would have been awesome.

I'm all dressed now to go to the gym too. Wonder if I should try a new workout today. But first, milk tea time. Hello me, this is why you are fat.

Chocolate cravings

It was weirdly difficult for me to keep my food down yesterday. I ate after waking up late, then purged shortly after. Later during the day, I had a drink with a friend and I turned pink...so embarrassing. I glow like nothing else, even though I can take more than just one shot. Then again, that might've had to do with purging everything I ate earlier in the day.. Anyway, after we had our drink and some Dreyer's Samoas ice cream (limited edition deliciousness...), we went to go get dinner. I was good and only ate half of the whole thing, but then later last night I randomly decided to have the other half, and some chocolate as well, which ended up all going into the toilet along with most of what I had eaten of dinner earlier in the night. And right now I'm somehow still craving chocolate. Even though I ate some during the day and threw up almost everything I had eaten...

This has never happened before, where I just didn't want any food in me, where eating a small portion wasn't enough. I mean, I've always thought that I'd rather not eat than b/p, but this is the first time where I'd thrown up nearly everything I had eaten for the day. In a way, I'm glad I didn't binge today, but I'm also disappointed that I haven't been able to keep purge-free for the entire past week. I'm not quite sure what to make of this right now.

My scale is still broken and it's driving me crazy. So I've been going by visuals and that's been bothering me too... I had a slight thigh gap for a while and then after spring break, it's barely there anymore. But... it doesn't necessarily feel like fat... so I suppose I've gained muscle. I (sort of) know how to get rid of fat, but I don't know how to slim down muscles, so now I feel stuck. I still feel so fat, but now it's not just that; I am now big as well. Everything has felt so off since March.

Donuts are terrible

I live about a 3 minute walk from a 24-hour donut shop. I was actually hungry, so I wanted something to eat, but of course at 2 am, nothing is open. I did hold back a bit and bought only some donut holes and one donut, but I wasn't able to hold back from eating all of that. I tried so hard to purge just now......but barely anything at all came up. It was all saliva and perhaps a bit of blood because I may have scratched my throat. This sucks. There is donut holes and a donut too many inside me but there's nothing I can do to get it out. I am spending quality time at the gym today, for sure. I can't purge anymore. I don't want to, and my body refuses to do it anyway, so why try, right? If only my brain could listen to the rest of me! I feel so fat and gross right now...

Stay strong everyone, even when I can't. :(

Late night cravings suck!

I just binged on two pastries: a ham/cheese/jalapeno croissant and a chocolate chip roll. I'm debating right now if I should just go to the gym and burn off what I can and do better tomorrow/today (the smart choice), or to go purge to the toilet, then go to the gym. I can't stand all of this food sitting in my stomach.... and I still have electrolyte water left over for after-purging..... This shouldn't be a hard decision. Bulimia's grips on me were especially strong this past week...

As for this week... my fridge is pretty empty, and I'm not going to let myself shop for groceries until everything is gone. I think I have at least four-five days' worth of meals in there, if I don't eat much. Especially if I try that thing where I eat in the morning, skip lunch, then eat a light dinner.

My scale is still completely broken but I know I've gained a lot, and I want to get back on track starting today. It's a new month already.... new month to reach that next goal weight! I think once I get down to my UGW, I'll focus more on measurements instead of numbers on the scale. Then my broken scale wouldn't matter.

Too many setbacks last month, with all my binging and purging. This month will be better.

 I want this.

I hate my tummy and my thighs.

Just pretending to be a runner

I've been purging once a day, every day, for the past week. Why is it so hard to stop this! Sometimes, I'll eat alright, but just feel like I've eaten too much...and then purge. Although, the last time I purged, I realized that I get this morbid satisfaction during/after purging... It's really odd.

About 2.5 hours ago, I ran 2 laps around the track, felt oddly exhausted, took a decently-long break, then timed my mile time. I was hoping to get to (or beat!) my previous record way back from freshman year of high school, but my 15-years old self won by 19 seconds. My record was (and still is I guess) 7:21. I'm kind of sad my mile time wasn't better than my old record since I've been running and exercising so much since December and have been training towards a 5k marathon. I should be fitter than before, but.... Well, I guess considering it was 3:30am and I had purged once before then.... I guess the mile time wasn't too bad after all? I would love to get down to a 6-minute mile!

Stay strong, lovelies. I'll try better to update more frequently. Blogging really helps sometimes. <3

Fuck my roommate and her bullshit

It’s so not fucking fair that my roommate can still be so fucking skinny even though she eats shit all day and a bajillion fucking calories. And here I am, trying to eat healthily, all fresh produce blahblahblah, working out for hours at a time, and I still probably look giant in comparison. Why is it that I'm the one that has to struggle day in day out with an eating disorder while she can just do whatever the fuck she wants and stay the fucking same. My measurements and weight are ALL lower and smaller, but I just look disproportionate and fatty. Why is it that her body naturally has thighs that curve outward and a thin frame, and thin-looking arms, and just everything. She doesn't even deserve all this ease and just getting by life with a pass-go-collect-200-fucking-dollars card. She's inconsiderate, ill-tempered, whiny, privileged to all fucking hell, stubborn, unyielding, etc. etc. etc. It's really hard for me to come to hate anyone, but CONGRATULATIONS, ROOMMATE, you took the cake on this one! If anything, karma should be against her, not letting her get a free pass in life. Tou-fucking-cé, universe, and thanks a lot for reducing me to this sorry, jealous, ugly excuse for a human being. Fuck everything. I can't stand this girl. Just 1.5 more months and I will never have to deal with her again. 

Clearly I update once in a blue moon

I am really fucking terrible at posting, aren't I?

So over/after spring break, I gained a shitton of weight that I am trying hard to lose right now. Ate way too much, been eating way too much, and exercising too little. I'm trying my best to basically go from bulimia to anorexia. I rarely "actually" binge nowadays (according to the DSM) but I still have bouts of eating what seems like a lot to me and then needing to purge that. By bouts I mean like once a day. Sucks... at least it isn't like 4 times a day anymore, although it will never be as good as not doing it at all. I think my longest period of not b/p was right before and during spring break, lasting about 1.5 weeks. And the moment I got back to my apartment at uni.....bad times. I think my scale is broken so I still have no idea what I weigh, but.... it's definitely way too much.

I need a new diet. Clearly this eat-whatever-and-attempt-to-make-sure-I-don't-go-over-x-calories method isn't working out too well. lol. Any suggestions? Maybe sgd....?

Been a while

I've been gone much too long from here. Sorry about that, whoever reads these..

I was triggered by Tumblr, wasted a ton of time going through blogs and looking at thinspo and generally feeling shitty.... so I figured another post was definitely in order.

Lately, I've been home for break and I've barely counted calories, barely kept track of what I ate, and it feels kind of nice. Not gonna lie, it almost feels like I'm ...normal? lol. But, I feel so fucking fat and I've hardly done any exercise on top of all the eating I've been doing. I only sort of binged once in my entire ...week or so that I've been here now, which is really nice, but I still feel disgusting.

So...I guess where I'm at now is.. I'm not weighing myself, I'm not counting calories, and I'm not exercising like crazy. It's really nice, actually. But I do need to watch what I'm eating more. I think if I can just eat healthier, then it would be just like normal. Unfortunately, I still want to lose a shitton of weight and I still want to be much thinner, so... conflict of interest much? Haha.

In other news, I haven't purged in a really long time. Like, I can't even remember the last time. I haven't been counting the days, and maybe that makes it a little better? But... sometimes it's like my body will just automatically do it for me. And then I'm just kinda like...well if it's already in my mouth I might as well go spit it out. But that's rare, and I hope it stays that way (or else something might be terribly wrong!).

So yeah! How is everyone doing? I'm about to go catch up on all your blogs.

This girl fucking inspires me. Basically my dream body. 

(Almost. But that's just because I'm picky as fuck.)

Back to my old routine

After I broke my not-purging streak, I had just been terrible with all the cereal and snacks and whatnot in my apartment. b/p like twice a day. But! I started the 2-4-6-8 diet yesterday and I haven't b/p since sometime early on Saturday. Apparently I do need a strict diet to keep order in my life, hah. I did really well yesterday and ate almost all fruits and veggies, but then I was tempted with free Oreos and I couldn't resist. I didn't do too badly, though, since I only ate a few Oreos and then a serving of this Pasta Sides thing instead of half the pantry. And then I promptly went to the gym and worked it all off. :) Feels so good to work off my calories instead of purging. I think this is what I did back in December/early January, so I want to keep this up instead of my terrible b/p habits from late January/February. Yeah, they're both types of bulimia, but (at least in my mind), exercise bulimia is just so much healthier and better in every way. Except my legs are getting really muscular, so I am starting to look really athletic, rather than having the thin, elegant legs that I would like to have.

My scale has been completely off/broken, though. I weighed myself yesterday and the weight was pretty reasonable in range, compared to the other weights it gave me.... but too bad all the weights I saw were approximately 10 lbs. lighter than I know I actually am. And then last night, it decided to semi-work for a while, then give me weights that are (hopefully) ~5 lbs. heavier than I think I should be, instead. Great... Good thing I'm going home soon, where another, more-accurate, scale is hopefully waiting for me. Unless my parents returned it, since I'm the only one who would use it and I'm off at school most of the year. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, today is "4" day, and I already have my day planned out, so I should be good.

Special K

I really need some order in my life. If I don't have someone/something telling me what to eat, I feel like I just go crazy and b/p all day. So! I am starting the Special K challenge today. I have the chocolate flavor Special K cereal and the strawberry bars so I'm excited. Replacing 2 meals a day with Special K? That I can do. (Okay I lied, I realized there's too much perishable food in my apartment to be finished before mid-next week so I can't be eating all my non-perishables before those... Instead, I think I'll do the 2-4-6-8 starting tomorrow. Special K can wait until I'm back from spring break. Who needs a bikini body for spring break, pshh....... Especially if I'm not planning to go to the beach, although I'm only about 45 minutes from any beach...)

I went to go to the gym for the first time in a while yesterday, even though I'm sick. Not sure if that was the best idea, but it made me feel better after eating tons and tons immediately after grocery shopping. I need to get back in the habit of going every day.

I want to try this next, when I've recovered from my cold.

Back to 0

Didn't eat after that last post until 7pm, which was awesome, but then that one thing I ate just left me in my usual state of I-want-to-eat-everything-I-can... so I broke down and ate a couple cookies, some ice cream, and a pastry. And then I gave up and purged, even with my sore throat and cold. Going to try again to see how long I can make it without b/p. I just need to keep reminding myself to drink more tea/water and eat more fruits/veggies when I get cravings. Fresh produce makes me feel so clean.

This girl is my greatest thin/fashion/style inspiration.

Lacking self-control

I hate all-nighters so fucking much. During and after all-nighters, all I do is eat. Eat eat eat eat binge binge binge binge... Since midnight I've already had a shitton of calories and, as such after an all-nighter, I don't have enough energy to go do anything about it. Considering purging since I'm going to have to be at the gym for like 5 hours if I want to burn enough but I really don't want to break my purge-free streak nor do I want to ruin my throat further since it's already sore from me having a cold. Brilliant. I hate myself. It's only 9am and today is terrible.

To add insult to injury, I saw today while my roommate was changing while being late for her class that she basically looks..is..just as thin as I am. Seriously? Even with all the disgusting crap she eats? Why do I have to try so fucking hard to look the same..... I'm like seriously 10 lbs lighter too.... The world makes no sense.

After today, I just don't want to eat anymore. I would rather not eat than purge.

The healthier choices

I have the greatest sense of satisfaction right now, with me sitting on one side of the room eating my cantaloupe and steamed green beans while my awful roommate is laying on her bed on the other side of the room eating chocolate and kettle corn. Granted, I did have a protein/energy bar as well but....at least that has more nutritional value than whatever she's eating! Take that, roomie.

I hate how her body type makes her look skinny still even though all she ever does is eat complete crap and lay around and sleep all the time. Just more motivation for me to get thinner than she will ever be. Sad thing is, my measurements are all smaller than hers already but I guess my body type still makes me look about the same weight as she is.. or more. So unfair.. :\

Day 5

Man, only slept about 3 hours and pulled an allnighter the night before. I'm really tired! Anyway, I finished the BHF diet without any cheating! Did not lose the full 10 lbs, of course, like I expected. Surprised I actually lost anything really at all, but it's probably all water since I was drinking a shitton of water/tea/coffee and consequently making 23948 restroom trips.

I was fucking retarded after midnight last night, though. Decided I was done with the diet, weighed myself to check the "final" results, and then went and eat tons and tons of food. Wheat snack crackers, jalapeno cheddar bread, ice cream, protein energy bar.... yeah I'm a dumbass for sure. I guess if I list it out it actually doesn't look too bad.. but I felt my body starting to reject all the random food I shoved into my system and I knew I wanted to purge.... I felt like a fucking drug addict going cold turkey. I was crying and actually shaking on the couch, knowing the toilet was right there and there was nobody to intervene...but myself. I'm on day 5 of being purge-free and I refuse to break my streak! That was really hard last night, but I'm glad I didn't let myself purge and instead I did some exercise, then went to bed. I mean, it was still 5:30am by the time I went to bed but that's better than staying up until the sun comes up because I was puking my brains out.

In other news, I don't think I'll be able to do as much high-impact exercise while my foot recovers from standing in 4-4.5" heels all day last weekend for a performance.... There's probably something wrong with my nerve since my middle toes goe numb for like a week every time I wear those particular pair of heels (hopefully just because those are my only really tall heels and not because they're shitty... they're my favorite pair, loll). I had to stop exercising for about 40 minutes yesterday just because it felt like a muscle in my foot was pulled. My toes were all twitchy and everything. My body must just be a giant wreck!

Here's part of the workout I did last night, found from Tumblr:

I learned what a burpee was for the first time last night thanks to this.

I think I should go on another sort of diet or meal plan to keep myself from going crazy like last night... My world needs order! Any suggestions or anyone that wants to do something together? I'm thinking I might try the Special K cereal one or SGD next.

Oh and I just want to share the pic I'm using as my Blogger pic since Louboutin heels are just fucking fabulous ♥ I would also love to have her legs, thanksss!

Accomplishment

Finished the first day of the BHF diet! And this is my 2nd day purge-free. :) Have some celebratory thinspo.

Success, for once

Going to bed hungry tonight. You know what that means.... I start the BHF diet tomorrow! :)

I'm actually pretty proud of myself. Today, I resisted basically all urges to buy junk food or just food in general on the way home from classes and such. I didn't completely overeat, and I went to the gym for about half an hour as well. I didn't purge either! Things are looking up. Hope the BHF diet gets me back on track for good.

I feel like the Mythbusters of dieting. I proved a Tumblr diet wrong in December and now it's time to see if the BHF actually works (not likely).

Having an ED is like being sucked into a downward spiral

There is nothing that I want more than to use studying and homework to keep me from eating and purging, but eating/purging are the things that keeps me from being productive.

Lately, pretty much all I've been doing is getting sucked further and further into this ED. I've gained so much weight during the last couple weeks because I haven't been restricting properly and have just been b/p instead. Sometimes, I'll even just binge, and be too lazy or too tired to purge. Lovely. It really doesn't help that a grocery just opened downstairs from my apartment. I find myself going there every day, every time I have an urge to binge, just so I can get food. Earlier yesterday, I went to the grocery and bought 4 items. 3 of those are already gone because I ate them during a binge immediately afterwards. One of those 3 items was an entire box of brownie bites. I am a fucking fatass. I really wanted to start the BHF diet this coming morning, on the 21st, but I think that would just screw up the results of the diet since I ate past midnight. So, I will start the BHF diet tomorrow, on the 22nd. Granted, I don't screw up again today....

I did go to the gym for a decent while today, and studied while doing the elliptical and while on the stationary bike, but since I ate again afterwards, I think I will go again soon. To be completely honest, I would rather be anorexic than bulimic, and I would rather have exercise bulimia than the stereotypical bulimia. But right now I just kind of do every fucking thing. Throwing up is definitely faster, but my throat is pretty raw and I tend to get nosebleeds when I purge now because I've just been going completely overboard with my b/p. I've never thrown up blood, though, so I suppose there's still that to be happy with. I never want it to get that far. I've already gotten much further into this ED than I've told myself so many times. Can you believe I ate normally just a year ago?

I want to stop purging so badly. Earlier, I burped and stomach acid shot straight into the back of my nose. Burned like a motherfucker.

Time wasted

I waste so much time with this ED. When I'm not eating or thinking about wanting to eat, I'm always looking up calories, or looking for thinspo, or anything else related to food and EDs. It's tiring, and it's now the wee hours of the morning. Again. I just want to sleep early and wake up early so I can be productive in the mornings, but I can never be productive because I'm always worrying about stupid shit related to EDs. I've been watching episodes of "What's Eating You." It's a show that used to be on E! about people with eating disorders. It's interesting, but also makes me realize that, although I am fairly similar to the people on the show....I am not sick enough to be put onto a show. I'm not extreme enough and that's absolutely fine with me. I don't want to be sick enough to the point where my bone density is that of a 70 year old's. I don't want to let myself get to that point. Yet, I still want to lose weight. I still want to be skinnier. My daily intake budget keeps going down and down and what I could eat a year ago makes me severely uncomfortable now.

It's early/late already.... so much for my plans of going to the gym early and getting much done throughout the day. I am not even tired yet. Somehow. The worst thing is, the more I look up these ED stories and watch WEY, the more it just makes me want to eat. Fail.

Right now, I just want to go eat something, but I should wait until I wake up later. Eventually. Whenever that will be, because I have no idea when I'm actually going to bed.

I really just want to get back on track with a more healthy lifestyle, like eating more veggies and fruits and making sure I exercise regularly.. I'm thinking of doing the BHF diet as an experiment, and then perhaps I'll put myself on a new diet to keep myself in check. I think that, if I don't have something to work with, I just don't know what to do with myself and just b/p all day.

Anyone have any diets/plans to recommend?

Back to my old habits

I really tried, and have been trying, not to purge. I can usually go 1-2 days without, and then it's just back to doing it once a day, at least. Yesterday, to try to stop myself from purging more than once, I chewed/spat a lot of food. In the end, I have no idea what my intake for the day was because of all the chewing/spitting and the purges. That bothers me, that I can never properly calculate my daily intake because I don't know how much was actually purged. Funny though, that's one of the reasons I'd like to stop.

So, right now, I'm trying not to eat (much), so I don't have any reason to purge. I'd much rather not eat than throw up because I ate too much. I had some leftover frozen yogurt for breakfast, and a teeny bit of a cake slice, because I am a great fatass and sweet-tooth, and also so I would have had something for breakfast. I'm a big believer in eating breakfast of some sort to metabolize myself for the day, etc. etc.  But now it's past what's usual for "lunchtime" and I am getting hungry. Maybe it's a good thing I forgot my wallet today.

Allnighters

It gives me a weird satisfaction when I go to bed hungry, because it means I didn't overeat that day/night. It means I didn't binge, didn't give into my cravings, or didn't even have any cravings at all.

I don't really know what to think, though, when I've been hungry all night but I also haven't slept. Like...after not sleeping and not eating for an extended period of time, is it okay to eat again? It's almost 7am. Is that nearing breakfast time, or did me eating dinner last night mean I still shouldn't be eating yet because it hasn't even begun nearing "unreasonably long without food"? At this point, I can never tell if I'm really hungry or not anymore. lol the things I think about instead of actually being productive.

Allnighters really mess with my sleeping and eating schedules. I noticed I tend to binge more and just not really care what I'm shoving into my mouth once I'm dead and sleep-deprived from working all night. School is what is killing me slowly, not my ED, ironically. Fuck school. But not really because I still kind of care, for now.

First

To be honest, I don't know why I decided to make a Blogger, but here it is. To whomever ends up reading this blog, I am making a promise right now: I will try not to post any numbers. By this, I mean numbers in weight, any stats, calories, things like that. That means less opportunity for triggers, I would hope. The only thing I will say is that I never want to see three digits on the scale ever again.

I don't know what I am, so for now I guess I can be "EDNOS". I binge/purge, I exercise heavily (although lately I've been pulling too many allnighters for school to bring myself to exercise for fear of passing out during and like falling onto a still-moving treadmill or something), and I restrict. I basically do anything and everything I can to lose weight, except laxatives. Story on that later maybe. I don't restrict ridiculously, but that's because I still believe in attempting to live a healthy lifestyle. It's been this way for almost a year now, with the worst b/p episodes being during this past Fall.

I am sick of spending money on food only to see it in the toilet bowl later, sick of a raw throat, sick of feeling like my life is spinning out of control, sick of caring so damn much about numbers. I just want to eat healthily and leave it at that.

Let's support each other?