Post-purge

Purging just really, really wears me out. It exhausts me physically, makes me so sluggish and tired.. Is this common? My contacts tend to blur when my eyes get tired, and they always seem to blur up really badly after a purge. My heart will be really quickly, my eyes will blur, I'll feel kind of dizzy, and every body part just seems to take that much more effort to move. This is definitely part of why I want to stop... It feels as if body is just completely rebelling against me now. Haven't been doing so well in all that lately, though, even though I've been following the SGD pretty well. :X

I feel sooo tired right now. Purging is not conducive to trying to get work done, at all! Just wanna sleep. Sleep forever and ever and ever.

April's ending

It's been forever since I've posted... again. This past week has been nonstop allnighters and barely eating. I started eating less and less this past week, which I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. It's good because I almost made it over a week without any purging (though after I started eating more again yesterday I completely ruined that streak). But, it's bad because I feel like every time I eat less than before, I get higher expectations for myself and restrict my intake more and more. This past week, I was eating barely under 2/3rds of what I used to eat, sometimes even half the amount. And I guess I didn't eat that much to begin with, before all this b/p craziness started. I think I would still rather eat less than purge because I felt guilty every time I ate, so I guess I do want to go back to doing that starting tomorrow. Yesterday was so terrible because I suddenly started eating like a normal person again... I purged after almost every meal. The only one I kept down really was the one that I had spontaneously with a friend at 4am. lol, random, right? And also a terrible time to be eating. But we had delicious Hong Kong food like honey toast (the giant kind with ice cream and fruit ohmygod) and walnut shrimp. Today, I ate leftovers from yesterday and had some boba but purged most of it. Only once though. That was my first time purging in the shower, since my roommate came home completely out of the blue early in the day... I can't believe how easy and how much less risky it was, but I won't let myself abuse that. I still want to stop. It wears me out so much and just saps all my energy. I feel more energized eating less than eating and purging later. I've gone to the gym probably like 2 times in the past week or so. That's seriously the least I've gone since like... December. Oh! And I got a new scale last week because my old one was just freaking out all over the place (like it would say one weight, then +20lbs, then -10lbs, etc etc, crazy stuff). The new one is fucking awesome; it measures body fat percentage, hydration, muscle mass, and bone mass. It wasn't even that expensive. I believe it was about $35-38. And I have Amazon Prime so free 2-day shipping, yeahh. But I did gain weight, like I had feared. I'm pretty sure it's at least like half muscle weight but still feels bad. And I really don't need/want anymore muscles. I'm seriously lost trying to figure out how to get thinner legs right now. Like, they're almost all lean already, so...when I'm done losing the fat (if that ever happens..) then.....what will I do then? My thighs make me the most self-conscious... But I don't know how to make them smaller since it's already almost all muscle. Really been bugging me lately... And I've been trying to work out my legs less and focus on my upper body for now until I've figured this out. Any tips/help?

Okay, back to homework... Last week of classes are over!! But I have 3 outstanding assignments, sigh. Hoping for more relaxation during finals week, ironically.

Stay well, everyone.

Chocolate cravings

It was weirdly difficult for me to keep my food down yesterday. I ate after waking up late, then purged shortly after. Later during the day, I had a drink with a friend and I turned pink...so embarrassing. I glow like nothing else, even though I can take more than just one shot. Then again, that might've had to do with purging everything I ate earlier in the day.. Anyway, after we had our drink and some Dreyer's Samoas ice cream (limited edition deliciousness...), we went to go get dinner. I was good and only ate half of the whole thing, but then later last night I randomly decided to have the other half, and some chocolate as well, which ended up all going into the toilet along with most of what I had eaten of dinner earlier in the night. And right now I'm somehow still craving chocolate. Even though I ate some during the day and threw up almost everything I had eaten...

This has never happened before, where I just didn't want any food in me, where eating a small portion wasn't enough. I mean, I've always thought that I'd rather not eat than b/p, but this is the first time where I'd thrown up nearly everything I had eaten for the day. In a way, I'm glad I didn't binge today, but I'm also disappointed that I haven't been able to keep purge-free for the entire past week. I'm not quite sure what to make of this right now.

My scale is still broken and it's driving me crazy. So I've been going by visuals and that's been bothering me too... I had a slight thigh gap for a while and then after spring break, it's barely there anymore. But... it doesn't necessarily feel like fat... so I suppose I've gained muscle. I (sort of) know how to get rid of fat, but I don't know how to slim down muscles, so now I feel stuck. I still feel so fat, but now it's not just that; I am now big as well. Everything has felt so off since March.

Lacking self-control

I hate all-nighters so fucking much. During and after all-nighters, all I do is eat. Eat eat eat eat binge binge binge binge... Since midnight I've already had a shitton of calories and, as such after an all-nighter, I don't have enough energy to go do anything about it. Considering purging since I'm going to have to be at the gym for like 5 hours if I want to burn enough but I really don't want to break my purge-free streak nor do I want to ruin my throat further since it's already sore from me having a cold. Brilliant. I hate myself. It's only 9am and today is terrible.

To add insult to injury, I saw today while my roommate was changing while being late for her class that she basically looks..is..just as thin as I am. Seriously? Even with all the disgusting crap she eats? Why do I have to try so fucking hard to look the same..... I'm like seriously 10 lbs lighter too.... The world makes no sense.

After today, I just don't want to eat anymore. I would rather not eat than purge.

Day 5

Man, only slept about 3 hours and pulled an allnighter the night before. I'm really tired! Anyway, I finished the BHF diet without any cheating! Did not lose the full 10 lbs, of course, like I expected. Surprised I actually lost anything really at all, but it's probably all water since I was drinking a shitton of water/tea/coffee and consequently making 23948 restroom trips.

I was fucking retarded after midnight last night, though. Decided I was done with the diet, weighed myself to check the "final" results, and then went and eat tons and tons of food. Wheat snack crackers, jalapeno cheddar bread, ice cream, protein energy bar.... yeah I'm a dumbass for sure. I guess if I list it out it actually doesn't look too bad.. but I felt my body starting to reject all the random food I shoved into my system and I knew I wanted to purge.... I felt like a fucking drug addict going cold turkey. I was crying and actually shaking on the couch, knowing the toilet was right there and there was nobody to intervene...but myself. I'm on day 5 of being purge-free and I refuse to break my streak! That was really hard last night, but I'm glad I didn't let myself purge and instead I did some exercise, then went to bed. I mean, it was still 5:30am by the time I went to bed but that's better than staying up until the sun comes up because I was puking my brains out.

In other news, I don't think I'll be able to do as much high-impact exercise while my foot recovers from standing in 4-4.5" heels all day last weekend for a performance.... There's probably something wrong with my nerve since my middle toes goe numb for like a week every time I wear those particular pair of heels (hopefully just because those are my only really tall heels and not because they're shitty... they're my favorite pair, loll). I had to stop exercising for about 40 minutes yesterday just because it felt like a muscle in my foot was pulled. My toes were all twitchy and everything. My body must just be a giant wreck!

Here's part of the workout I did last night, found from Tumblr:

I learned what a burpee was for the first time last night thanks to this.

I think I should go on another sort of diet or meal plan to keep myself from going crazy like last night... My world needs order! Any suggestions or anyone that wants to do something together? I'm thinking I might try the Special K cereal one or SGD next.

Oh and I just want to share the pic I'm using as my Blogger pic since Louboutin heels are just fucking fabulous ♥ I would also love to have her legs, thanksss!

Having an ED is like being sucked into a downward spiral

There is nothing that I want more than to use studying and homework to keep me from eating and purging, but eating/purging are the things that keeps me from being productive.

Lately, pretty much all I've been doing is getting sucked further and further into this ED. I've gained so much weight during the last couple weeks because I haven't been restricting properly and have just been b/p instead. Sometimes, I'll even just binge, and be too lazy or too tired to purge. Lovely. It really doesn't help that a grocery just opened downstairs from my apartment. I find myself going there every day, every time I have an urge to binge, just so I can get food. Earlier yesterday, I went to the grocery and bought 4 items. 3 of those are already gone because I ate them during a binge immediately afterwards. One of those 3 items was an entire box of brownie bites. I am a fucking fatass. I really wanted to start the BHF diet this coming morning, on the 21st, but I think that would just screw up the results of the diet since I ate past midnight. So, I will start the BHF diet tomorrow, on the 22nd. Granted, I don't screw up again today....

I did go to the gym for a decent while today, and studied while doing the elliptical and while on the stationary bike, but since I ate again afterwards, I think I will go again soon. To be completely honest, I would rather be anorexic than bulimic, and I would rather have exercise bulimia than the stereotypical bulimia. But right now I just kind of do every fucking thing. Throwing up is definitely faster, but my throat is pretty raw and I tend to get nosebleeds when I purge now because I've just been going completely overboard with my b/p. I've never thrown up blood, though, so I suppose there's still that to be happy with. I never want it to get that far. I've already gotten much further into this ED than I've told myself so many times. Can you believe I ate normally just a year ago?

I want to stop purging so badly. Earlier, I burped and stomach acid shot straight into the back of my nose. Burned like a motherfucker.

Back to my old habits

I really tried, and have been trying, not to purge. I can usually go 1-2 days without, and then it's just back to doing it once a day, at least. Yesterday, to try to stop myself from purging more than once, I chewed/spat a lot of food. In the end, I have no idea what my intake for the day was because of all the chewing/spitting and the purges. That bothers me, that I can never properly calculate my daily intake because I don't know how much was actually purged. Funny though, that's one of the reasons I'd like to stop.

So, right now, I'm trying not to eat (much), so I don't have any reason to purge. I'd much rather not eat than throw up because I ate too much. I had some leftover frozen yogurt for breakfast, and a teeny bit of a cake slice, because I am a great fatass and sweet-tooth, and also so I would have had something for breakfast. I'm a big believer in eating breakfast of some sort to metabolize myself for the day, etc. etc.  But now it's past what's usual for "lunchtime" and I am getting hungry. Maybe it's a good thing I forgot my wallet today.

First

To be honest, I don't know why I decided to make a Blogger, but here it is. To whomever ends up reading this blog, I am making a promise right now: I will try not to post any numbers. By this, I mean numbers in weight, any stats, calories, things like that. That means less opportunity for triggers, I would hope. The only thing I will say is that I never want to see three digits on the scale ever again.

I don't know what I am, so for now I guess I can be "EDNOS". I binge/purge, I exercise heavily (although lately I've been pulling too many allnighters for school to bring myself to exercise for fear of passing out during and like falling onto a still-moving treadmill or something), and I restrict. I basically do anything and everything I can to lose weight, except laxatives. Story on that later maybe. I don't restrict ridiculously, but that's because I still believe in attempting to live a healthy lifestyle. It's been this way for almost a year now, with the worst b/p episodes being during this past Fall.

I am sick of spending money on food only to see it in the toilet bowl later, sick of a raw throat, sick of feeling like my life is spinning out of control, sick of caring so damn much about numbers. I just want to eat healthily and leave it at that.

Let's support each other?