It was weirdly difficult for me to keep my food down yesterday. I ate after waking up late, then purged shortly after. Later during the day, I had a drink with a friend and I turned pink...so embarrassing. I glow like nothing else, even though I can take more than just one shot. Then again, that might've had to do with purging everything I ate earlier in the day.. Anyway, after we had our drink and some Dreyer's Samoas ice cream (limited edition deliciousness...), we went to go get dinner. I was good and only ate half of the whole thing, but then later last night I randomly decided to have the other half, and some chocolate as well, which ended up all going into the toilet along with most of what I had eaten of dinner earlier in the night. And right now I'm somehow still craving chocolate. Even though I ate some during the day and threw up almost everything I had eaten...
This has never happened before, where I just didn't want any food in me, where eating a small portion wasn't enough. I mean, I've always thought that I'd rather not eat than b/p, but this is the first time where I'd thrown up nearly everything I had eaten for the day. In a way, I'm glad I didn't binge today, but I'm also disappointed that I haven't been able to keep purge-free for the entire past week. I'm not quite sure what to make of this right now.
My scale is still broken and it's driving me crazy. So I've been going by visuals and that's been bothering me too... I had a slight thigh gap for a while and then after spring break, it's barely there anymore. But... it doesn't necessarily feel like fat... so I suppose I've gained muscle. I (sort of) know how to get rid of fat, but I don't know how to slim down muscles, so now I feel stuck. I still feel so fat, but now it's not just that; I am now big as well. Everything has felt so off since March.
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