I just finished Wintergirls

instead of doing my homework.

Lia's realization about 0 is kind of creepy, elegant, and kind of the scary truth all at once.

It scares me that it kind of hits a bit close to home since my UGW keeps going down. Definitely nowhere close to 0 though, thank goodness.

Wintergirls was kind of an eerie read. Not quite sure why I picked it up, tbh! Has anyone else read it?

Lacking self-control

I hate all-nighters so fucking much. During and after all-nighters, all I do is eat. Eat eat eat eat binge binge binge binge... Since midnight I've already had a shitton of calories and, as such after an all-nighter, I don't have enough energy to go do anything about it. Considering purging since I'm going to have to be at the gym for like 5 hours if I want to burn enough but I really don't want to break my purge-free streak nor do I want to ruin my throat further since it's already sore from me having a cold. Brilliant. I hate myself. It's only 9am and today is terrible.

To add insult to injury, I saw today while my roommate was changing while being late for her class that she basically looks..is..just as thin as I am. Seriously? Even with all the disgusting crap she eats? Why do I have to try so fucking hard to look the same..... I'm like seriously 10 lbs lighter too.... The world makes no sense.

After today, I just don't want to eat anymore. I would rather not eat than purge.

Back to my old habits

I really tried, and have been trying, not to purge. I can usually go 1-2 days without, and then it's just back to doing it once a day, at least. Yesterday, to try to stop myself from purging more than once, I chewed/spat a lot of food. In the end, I have no idea what my intake for the day was because of all the chewing/spitting and the purges. That bothers me, that I can never properly calculate my daily intake because I don't know how much was actually purged. Funny though, that's one of the reasons I'd like to stop.

So, right now, I'm trying not to eat (much), so I don't have any reason to purge. I'd much rather not eat than throw up because I ate too much. I had some leftover frozen yogurt for breakfast, and a teeny bit of a cake slice, because I am a great fatass and sweet-tooth, and also so I would have had something for breakfast. I'm a big believer in eating breakfast of some sort to metabolize myself for the day, etc. etc.  But now it's past what's usual for "lunchtime" and I am getting hungry. Maybe it's a good thing I forgot my wallet today.

First

To be honest, I don't know why I decided to make a Blogger, but here it is. To whomever ends up reading this blog, I am making a promise right now: I will try not to post any numbers. By this, I mean numbers in weight, any stats, calories, things like that. That means less opportunity for triggers, I would hope. The only thing I will say is that I never want to see three digits on the scale ever again.

I don't know what I am, so for now I guess I can be "EDNOS". I binge/purge, I exercise heavily (although lately I've been pulling too many allnighters for school to bring myself to exercise for fear of passing out during and like falling onto a still-moving treadmill or something), and I restrict. I basically do anything and everything I can to lose weight, except laxatives. Story on that later maybe. I don't restrict ridiculously, but that's because I still believe in attempting to live a healthy lifestyle. It's been this way for almost a year now, with the worst b/p episodes being during this past Fall.

I am sick of spending money on food only to see it in the toilet bowl later, sick of a raw throat, sick of feeling like my life is spinning out of control, sick of caring so damn much about numbers. I just want to eat healthily and leave it at that.

Let's support each other?