It's been forever since I've posted... again. This past week has been nonstop allnighters and barely eating. I started eating less and less this past week, which I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. It's good because I almost made it over a week without any purging (though after I started eating more again yesterday I completely ruined that streak). But, it's bad because I feel like every time I eat less than before, I get higher expectations for myself and restrict my intake more and more. This past week, I was eating barely under 2/3rds of what I used to eat, sometimes even half the amount. And I guess I didn't eat that much to begin with, before all this b/p craziness started. I think I would still rather eat less than purge because I felt guilty every time I ate, so I guess I do want to go back to doing that starting tomorrow. Yesterday was so terrible because I suddenly started eating like a normal person again... I purged after almost every meal. The only one I kept down really was the one that I had spontaneously with a friend at 4am. lol, random, right? And also a terrible time to be eating. But we had delicious Hong Kong food like honey toast (the giant kind with ice cream and fruit ohmygod) and walnut shrimp. Today, I ate leftovers from yesterday and had some boba but purged most of it. Only once though. That was my first time purging in the shower, since my roommate came home completely out of the blue early in the day... I can't believe how easy and how much less risky it was, but I won't let myself abuse that. I still want to stop. It wears me out so much and just saps all my energy. I feel more energized eating less than eating and purging later. I've gone to the gym probably like 2 times in the past week or so. That's seriously the least I've gone since like... December. Oh! And I got a new scale last week because my old one was just freaking out all over the place (like it would say one weight, then +20lbs, then -10lbs, etc etc, crazy stuff). The new one is fucking awesome; it measures body fat percentage, hydration, muscle mass, and bone mass. It wasn't even that expensive. I believe it was about $35-38. And I have Amazon Prime so free 2-day shipping, yeahh. But I did gain weight, like I had feared. I'm pretty sure it's at least like half muscle weight but still feels bad. And I really don't need/want anymore muscles. I'm seriously lost trying to figure out how to get thinner legs right now. Like, they're almost all lean already, so...when I'm done losing the fat (if that ever happens..) then.....what will I do then? My thighs make me the most self-conscious... But I don't know how to make them smaller since it's already almost all muscle. Really been bugging me lately... And I've been trying to work out my legs less and focus on my upper body for now until I've figured this out. Any tips/help?
Okay, back to homework... Last week of classes are over!! But I have 3 outstanding assignments, sigh. Hoping for more relaxation during finals week, ironically.
Stay well, everyone.
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