April's ending

It's been forever since I've posted... again. This past week has been nonstop allnighters and barely eating. I started eating less and less this past week, which I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. It's good because I almost made it over a week without any purging (though after I started eating more again yesterday I completely ruined that streak). But, it's bad because I feel like every time I eat less than before, I get higher expectations for myself and restrict my intake more and more. This past week, I was eating barely under 2/3rds of what I used to eat, sometimes even half the amount. And I guess I didn't eat that much to begin with, before all this b/p craziness started. I think I would still rather eat less than purge because I felt guilty every time I ate, so I guess I do want to go back to doing that starting tomorrow. Yesterday was so terrible because I suddenly started eating like a normal person again... I purged after almost every meal. The only one I kept down really was the one that I had spontaneously with a friend at 4am. lol, random, right? And also a terrible time to be eating. But we had delicious Hong Kong food like honey toast (the giant kind with ice cream and fruit ohmygod) and walnut shrimp. Today, I ate leftovers from yesterday and had some boba but purged most of it. Only once though. That was my first time purging in the shower, since my roommate came home completely out of the blue early in the day... I can't believe how easy and how much less risky it was, but I won't let myself abuse that. I still want to stop. It wears me out so much and just saps all my energy. I feel more energized eating less than eating and purging later. I've gone to the gym probably like 2 times in the past week or so. That's seriously the least I've gone since like... December. Oh! And I got a new scale last week because my old one was just freaking out all over the place (like it would say one weight, then +20lbs, then -10lbs, etc etc, crazy stuff). The new one is fucking awesome; it measures body fat percentage, hydration, muscle mass, and bone mass. It wasn't even that expensive. I believe it was about $35-38. And I have Amazon Prime so free 2-day shipping, yeahh. But I did gain weight, like I had feared. I'm pretty sure it's at least like half muscle weight but still feels bad. And I really don't need/want anymore muscles. I'm seriously lost trying to figure out how to get thinner legs right now. Like, they're almost all lean already, so...when I'm done losing the fat (if that ever happens..) then.....what will I do then? My thighs make me the most self-conscious... But I don't know how to make them smaller since it's already almost all muscle. Really been bugging me lately... And I've been trying to work out my legs less and focus on my upper body for now until I've figured this out. Any tips/help?

Okay, back to homework... Last week of classes are over!! But I have 3 outstanding assignments, sigh. Hoping for more relaxation during finals week, ironically.

Stay well, everyone.

Back to my old routine

After I broke my not-purging streak, I had just been terrible with all the cereal and snacks and whatnot in my apartment. b/p like twice a day. But! I started the 2-4-6-8 diet yesterday and I haven't b/p since sometime early on Saturday. Apparently I do need a strict diet to keep order in my life, hah. I did really well yesterday and ate almost all fruits and veggies, but then I was tempted with free Oreos and I couldn't resist. I didn't do too badly, though, since I only ate a few Oreos and then a serving of this Pasta Sides thing instead of half the pantry. And then I promptly went to the gym and worked it all off. :) Feels so good to work off my calories instead of purging. I think this is what I did back in December/early January, so I want to keep this up instead of my terrible b/p habits from late January/February. Yeah, they're both types of bulimia, but (at least in my mind), exercise bulimia is just so much healthier and better in every way. Except my legs are getting really muscular, so I am starting to look really athletic, rather than having the thin, elegant legs that I would like to have.

My scale has been completely off/broken, though. I weighed myself yesterday and the weight was pretty reasonable in range, compared to the other weights it gave me.... but too bad all the weights I saw were approximately 10 lbs. lighter than I know I actually am. And then last night, it decided to semi-work for a while, then give me weights that are (hopefully) ~5 lbs. heavier than I think I should be, instead. Great... Good thing I'm going home soon, where another, more-accurate, scale is hopefully waiting for me. Unless my parents returned it, since I'm the only one who would use it and I'm off at school most of the year. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, today is "4" day, and I already have my day planned out, so I should be good.

Lacking self-control

I hate all-nighters so fucking much. During and after all-nighters, all I do is eat. Eat eat eat eat binge binge binge binge... Since midnight I've already had a shitton of calories and, as such after an all-nighter, I don't have enough energy to go do anything about it. Considering purging since I'm going to have to be at the gym for like 5 hours if I want to burn enough but I really don't want to break my purge-free streak nor do I want to ruin my throat further since it's already sore from me having a cold. Brilliant. I hate myself. It's only 9am and today is terrible.

To add insult to injury, I saw today while my roommate was changing while being late for her class that she basically looks..is..just as thin as I am. Seriously? Even with all the disgusting crap she eats? Why do I have to try so fucking hard to look the same..... I'm like seriously 10 lbs lighter too.... The world makes no sense.

After today, I just don't want to eat anymore. I would rather not eat than purge.

Day 5

Man, only slept about 3 hours and pulled an allnighter the night before. I'm really tired! Anyway, I finished the BHF diet without any cheating! Did not lose the full 10 lbs, of course, like I expected. Surprised I actually lost anything really at all, but it's probably all water since I was drinking a shitton of water/tea/coffee and consequently making 23948 restroom trips.

I was fucking retarded after midnight last night, though. Decided I was done with the diet, weighed myself to check the "final" results, and then went and eat tons and tons of food. Wheat snack crackers, jalapeno cheddar bread, ice cream, protein energy bar.... yeah I'm a dumbass for sure. I guess if I list it out it actually doesn't look too bad.. but I felt my body starting to reject all the random food I shoved into my system and I knew I wanted to purge.... I felt like a fucking drug addict going cold turkey. I was crying and actually shaking on the couch, knowing the toilet was right there and there was nobody to intervene...but myself. I'm on day 5 of being purge-free and I refuse to break my streak! That was really hard last night, but I'm glad I didn't let myself purge and instead I did some exercise, then went to bed. I mean, it was still 5:30am by the time I went to bed but that's better than staying up until the sun comes up because I was puking my brains out.

In other news, I don't think I'll be able to do as much high-impact exercise while my foot recovers from standing in 4-4.5" heels all day last weekend for a performance.... There's probably something wrong with my nerve since my middle toes goe numb for like a week every time I wear those particular pair of heels (hopefully just because those are my only really tall heels and not because they're shitty... they're my favorite pair, loll). I had to stop exercising for about 40 minutes yesterday just because it felt like a muscle in my foot was pulled. My toes were all twitchy and everything. My body must just be a giant wreck!

Here's part of the workout I did last night, found from Tumblr:

I learned what a burpee was for the first time last night thanks to this.

I think I should go on another sort of diet or meal plan to keep myself from going crazy like last night... My world needs order! Any suggestions or anyone that wants to do something together? I'm thinking I might try the Special K cereal one or SGD next.

Oh and I just want to share the pic I'm using as my Blogger pic since Louboutin heels are just fucking fabulous ♥ I would also love to have her legs, thanksss!

Time wasted

I waste so much time with this ED. When I'm not eating or thinking about wanting to eat, I'm always looking up calories, or looking for thinspo, or anything else related to food and EDs. It's tiring, and it's now the wee hours of the morning. Again. I just want to sleep early and wake up early so I can be productive in the mornings, but I can never be productive because I'm always worrying about stupid shit related to EDs. I've been watching episodes of "What's Eating You." It's a show that used to be on E! about people with eating disorders. It's interesting, but also makes me realize that, although I am fairly similar to the people on the show....I am not sick enough to be put onto a show. I'm not extreme enough and that's absolutely fine with me. I don't want to be sick enough to the point where my bone density is that of a 70 year old's. I don't want to let myself get to that point. Yet, I still want to lose weight. I still want to be skinnier. My daily intake budget keeps going down and down and what I could eat a year ago makes me severely uncomfortable now.

It's early/late already.... so much for my plans of going to the gym early and getting much done throughout the day. I am not even tired yet. Somehow. The worst thing is, the more I look up these ED stories and watch WEY, the more it just makes me want to eat. Fail.

Right now, I just want to go eat something, but I should wait until I wake up later. Eventually. Whenever that will be, because I have no idea when I'm actually going to bed.

I really just want to get back on track with a more healthy lifestyle, like eating more veggies and fruits and making sure I exercise regularly.. I'm thinking of doing the BHF diet as an experiment, and then perhaps I'll put myself on a new diet to keep myself in check. I think that, if I don't have something to work with, I just don't know what to do with myself and just b/p all day.

Anyone have any diets/plans to recommend?

Allnighters

It gives me a weird satisfaction when I go to bed hungry, because it means I didn't overeat that day/night. It means I didn't binge, didn't give into my cravings, or didn't even have any cravings at all.

I don't really know what to think, though, when I've been hungry all night but I also haven't slept. Like...after not sleeping and not eating for an extended period of time, is it okay to eat again? It's almost 7am. Is that nearing breakfast time, or did me eating dinner last night mean I still shouldn't be eating yet because it hasn't even begun nearing "unreasonably long without food"? At this point, I can never tell if I'm really hungry or not anymore. lol the things I think about instead of actually being productive.

Allnighters really mess with my sleeping and eating schedules. I noticed I tend to binge more and just not really care what I'm shoving into my mouth once I'm dead and sleep-deprived from working all night. School is what is killing me slowly, not my ED, ironically. Fuck school. But not really because I still kind of care, for now.