There is nothing that I want more than to use studying and homework to keep me from eating and purging, but eating/purging are the things that keeps me from being productive.
Lately, pretty much all I've been doing is getting sucked further and further into this ED. I've gained so much weight during the last couple weeks because I haven't been restricting properly and have just been b/p instead. Sometimes, I'll even just binge, and be too lazy or too tired to purge. Lovely. It really doesn't help that a grocery just opened downstairs from my apartment. I find myself going there every day, every time I have an urge to binge, just so I can get food. Earlier yesterday, I went to the grocery and bought 4 items. 3 of those are already gone because I ate them during a binge immediately afterwards. One of those 3 items was an entire box of brownie bites. I am a fucking fatass. I really wanted to start the BHF diet this coming morning, on the 21st, but I think that would just screw up the results of the diet since I ate past midnight. So, I will start the BHF diet tomorrow, on the 22nd. Granted, I don't screw up again today....
I did go to the gym for a decent while today, and studied while doing the elliptical and while on the stationary bike, but since I ate again afterwards, I think I will go again soon. To be completely honest, I would rather be anorexic than bulimic, and I would rather have exercise bulimia than the stereotypical bulimia. But right now I just kind of do every fucking thing. Throwing up is definitely faster, but my throat is pretty raw and I tend to get nosebleeds when I purge now because I've just been going completely overboard with my b/p. I've never thrown up blood, though, so I suppose there's still that to be happy with. I never want it to get that far. I've already gotten much further into this ED than I've told myself so many times. Can you believe I ate normally just a year ago?
I want to stop purging so badly. Earlier, I burped and stomach acid shot straight into the back of my nose. Burned like a motherfucker.
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