Special K

I really need some order in my life. If I don't have someone/something telling me what to eat, I feel like I just go crazy and b/p all day. So! I am starting the Special K challenge today. I have the chocolate flavor Special K cereal and the strawberry bars so I'm excited. Replacing 2 meals a day with Special K? That I can do. (Okay I lied, I realized there's too much perishable food in my apartment to be finished before mid-next week so I can't be eating all my non-perishables before those... Instead, I think I'll do the 2-4-6-8 starting tomorrow. Special K can wait until I'm back from spring break. Who needs a bikini body for spring break, pshh....... Especially if I'm not planning to go to the beach, although I'm only about 45 minutes from any beach...)

I went to go to the gym for the first time in a while yesterday, even though I'm sick. Not sure if that was the best idea, but it made me feel better after eating tons and tons immediately after grocery shopping. I need to get back in the habit of going every day.

I want to try this next, when I've recovered from my cold.

Back to 0

Didn't eat after that last post until 7pm, which was awesome, but then that one thing I ate just left me in my usual state of I-want-to-eat-everything-I-can... so I broke down and ate a couple cookies, some ice cream, and a pastry. And then I gave up and purged, even with my sore throat and cold. Going to try again to see how long I can make it without b/p. I just need to keep reminding myself to drink more tea/water and eat more fruits/veggies when I get cravings. Fresh produce makes me feel so clean.

This girl is my greatest thin/fashion/style inspiration.

Lacking self-control

I hate all-nighters so fucking much. During and after all-nighters, all I do is eat. Eat eat eat eat binge binge binge binge... Since midnight I've already had a shitton of calories and, as such after an all-nighter, I don't have enough energy to go do anything about it. Considering purging since I'm going to have to be at the gym for like 5 hours if I want to burn enough but I really don't want to break my purge-free streak nor do I want to ruin my throat further since it's already sore from me having a cold. Brilliant. I hate myself. It's only 9am and today is terrible.

To add insult to injury, I saw today while my roommate was changing while being late for her class that she basically looks..is..just as thin as I am. Seriously? Even with all the disgusting crap she eats? Why do I have to try so fucking hard to look the same..... I'm like seriously 10 lbs lighter too.... The world makes no sense.

After today, I just don't want to eat anymore. I would rather not eat than purge.

The healthier choices

I have the greatest sense of satisfaction right now, with me sitting on one side of the room eating my cantaloupe and steamed green beans while my awful roommate is laying on her bed on the other side of the room eating chocolate and kettle corn. Granted, I did have a protein/energy bar as well but....at least that has more nutritional value than whatever she's eating! Take that, roomie.

I hate how her body type makes her look skinny still even though all she ever does is eat complete crap and lay around and sleep all the time. Just more motivation for me to get thinner than she will ever be. Sad thing is, my measurements are all smaller than hers already but I guess my body type still makes me look about the same weight as she is.. or more. So unfair.. :\

Day 5

Man, only slept about 3 hours and pulled an allnighter the night before. I'm really tired! Anyway, I finished the BHF diet without any cheating! Did not lose the full 10 lbs, of course, like I expected. Surprised I actually lost anything really at all, but it's probably all water since I was drinking a shitton of water/tea/coffee and consequently making 23948 restroom trips.

I was fucking retarded after midnight last night, though. Decided I was done with the diet, weighed myself to check the "final" results, and then went and eat tons and tons of food. Wheat snack crackers, jalapeno cheddar bread, ice cream, protein energy bar.... yeah I'm a dumbass for sure. I guess if I list it out it actually doesn't look too bad.. but I felt my body starting to reject all the random food I shoved into my system and I knew I wanted to purge.... I felt like a fucking drug addict going cold turkey. I was crying and actually shaking on the couch, knowing the toilet was right there and there was nobody to intervene...but myself. I'm on day 5 of being purge-free and I refuse to break my streak! That was really hard last night, but I'm glad I didn't let myself purge and instead I did some exercise, then went to bed. I mean, it was still 5:30am by the time I went to bed but that's better than staying up until the sun comes up because I was puking my brains out.

In other news, I don't think I'll be able to do as much high-impact exercise while my foot recovers from standing in 4-4.5" heels all day last weekend for a performance.... There's probably something wrong with my nerve since my middle toes goe numb for like a week every time I wear those particular pair of heels (hopefully just because those are my only really tall heels and not because they're shitty... they're my favorite pair, loll). I had to stop exercising for about 40 minutes yesterday just because it felt like a muscle in my foot was pulled. My toes were all twitchy and everything. My body must just be a giant wreck!

Here's part of the workout I did last night, found from Tumblr:

I learned what a burpee was for the first time last night thanks to this.

I think I should go on another sort of diet or meal plan to keep myself from going crazy like last night... My world needs order! Any suggestions or anyone that wants to do something together? I'm thinking I might try the Special K cereal one or SGD next.

Oh and I just want to share the pic I'm using as my Blogger pic since Louboutin heels are just fucking fabulous ♥ I would also love to have her legs, thanksss!

Accomplishment

Finished the first day of the BHF diet! And this is my 2nd day purge-free. :) Have some celebratory thinspo.

Success, for once

Going to bed hungry tonight. You know what that means.... I start the BHF diet tomorrow! :)

I'm actually pretty proud of myself. Today, I resisted basically all urges to buy junk food or just food in general on the way home from classes and such. I didn't completely overeat, and I went to the gym for about half an hour as well. I didn't purge either! Things are looking up. Hope the BHF diet gets me back on track for good.

I feel like the Mythbusters of dieting. I proved a Tumblr diet wrong in December and now it's time to see if the BHF actually works (not likely).

Having an ED is like being sucked into a downward spiral

There is nothing that I want more than to use studying and homework to keep me from eating and purging, but eating/purging are the things that keeps me from being productive.

Lately, pretty much all I've been doing is getting sucked further and further into this ED. I've gained so much weight during the last couple weeks because I haven't been restricting properly and have just been b/p instead. Sometimes, I'll even just binge, and be too lazy or too tired to purge. Lovely. It really doesn't help that a grocery just opened downstairs from my apartment. I find myself going there every day, every time I have an urge to binge, just so I can get food. Earlier yesterday, I went to the grocery and bought 4 items. 3 of those are already gone because I ate them during a binge immediately afterwards. One of those 3 items was an entire box of brownie bites. I am a fucking fatass. I really wanted to start the BHF diet this coming morning, on the 21st, but I think that would just screw up the results of the diet since I ate past midnight. So, I will start the BHF diet tomorrow, on the 22nd. Granted, I don't screw up again today....

I did go to the gym for a decent while today, and studied while doing the elliptical and while on the stationary bike, but since I ate again afterwards, I think I will go again soon. To be completely honest, I would rather be anorexic than bulimic, and I would rather have exercise bulimia than the stereotypical bulimia. But right now I just kind of do every fucking thing. Throwing up is definitely faster, but my throat is pretty raw and I tend to get nosebleeds when I purge now because I've just been going completely overboard with my b/p. I've never thrown up blood, though, so I suppose there's still that to be happy with. I never want it to get that far. I've already gotten much further into this ED than I've told myself so many times. Can you believe I ate normally just a year ago?

I want to stop purging so badly. Earlier, I burped and stomach acid shot straight into the back of my nose. Burned like a motherfucker.

Time wasted

I waste so much time with this ED. When I'm not eating or thinking about wanting to eat, I'm always looking up calories, or looking for thinspo, or anything else related to food and EDs. It's tiring, and it's now the wee hours of the morning. Again. I just want to sleep early and wake up early so I can be productive in the mornings, but I can never be productive because I'm always worrying about stupid shit related to EDs. I've been watching episodes of "What's Eating You." It's a show that used to be on E! about people with eating disorders. It's interesting, but also makes me realize that, although I am fairly similar to the people on the show....I am not sick enough to be put onto a show. I'm not extreme enough and that's absolutely fine with me. I don't want to be sick enough to the point where my bone density is that of a 70 year old's. I don't want to let myself get to that point. Yet, I still want to lose weight. I still want to be skinnier. My daily intake budget keeps going down and down and what I could eat a year ago makes me severely uncomfortable now.

It's early/late already.... so much for my plans of going to the gym early and getting much done throughout the day. I am not even tired yet. Somehow. The worst thing is, the more I look up these ED stories and watch WEY, the more it just makes me want to eat. Fail.

Right now, I just want to go eat something, but I should wait until I wake up later. Eventually. Whenever that will be, because I have no idea when I'm actually going to bed.

I really just want to get back on track with a more healthy lifestyle, like eating more veggies and fruits and making sure I exercise regularly.. I'm thinking of doing the BHF diet as an experiment, and then perhaps I'll put myself on a new diet to keep myself in check. I think that, if I don't have something to work with, I just don't know what to do with myself and just b/p all day.

Anyone have any diets/plans to recommend?

Back to my old habits

I really tried, and have been trying, not to purge. I can usually go 1-2 days without, and then it's just back to doing it once a day, at least. Yesterday, to try to stop myself from purging more than once, I chewed/spat a lot of food. In the end, I have no idea what my intake for the day was because of all the chewing/spitting and the purges. That bothers me, that I can never properly calculate my daily intake because I don't know how much was actually purged. Funny though, that's one of the reasons I'd like to stop.

So, right now, I'm trying not to eat (much), so I don't have any reason to purge. I'd much rather not eat than throw up because I ate too much. I had some leftover frozen yogurt for breakfast, and a teeny bit of a cake slice, because I am a great fatass and sweet-tooth, and also so I would have had something for breakfast. I'm a big believer in eating breakfast of some sort to metabolize myself for the day, etc. etc.  But now it's past what's usual for "lunchtime" and I am getting hungry. Maybe it's a good thing I forgot my wallet today.

Allnighters

It gives me a weird satisfaction when I go to bed hungry, because it means I didn't overeat that day/night. It means I didn't binge, didn't give into my cravings, or didn't even have any cravings at all.

I don't really know what to think, though, when I've been hungry all night but I also haven't slept. Like...after not sleeping and not eating for an extended period of time, is it okay to eat again? It's almost 7am. Is that nearing breakfast time, or did me eating dinner last night mean I still shouldn't be eating yet because it hasn't even begun nearing "unreasonably long without food"? At this point, I can never tell if I'm really hungry or not anymore. lol the things I think about instead of actually being productive.

Allnighters really mess with my sleeping and eating schedules. I noticed I tend to binge more and just not really care what I'm shoving into my mouth once I'm dead and sleep-deprived from working all night. School is what is killing me slowly, not my ED, ironically. Fuck school. But not really because I still kind of care, for now.

First

To be honest, I don't know why I decided to make a Blogger, but here it is. To whomever ends up reading this blog, I am making a promise right now: I will try not to post any numbers. By this, I mean numbers in weight, any stats, calories, things like that. That means less opportunity for triggers, I would hope. The only thing I will say is that I never want to see three digits on the scale ever again.

I don't know what I am, so for now I guess I can be "EDNOS". I binge/purge, I exercise heavily (although lately I've been pulling too many allnighters for school to bring myself to exercise for fear of passing out during and like falling onto a still-moving treadmill or something), and I restrict. I basically do anything and everything I can to lose weight, except laxatives. Story on that later maybe. I don't restrict ridiculously, but that's because I still believe in attempting to live a healthy lifestyle. It's been this way for almost a year now, with the worst b/p episodes being during this past Fall.

I am sick of spending money on food only to see it in the toilet bowl later, sick of a raw throat, sick of feeling like my life is spinning out of control, sick of caring so damn much about numbers. I just want to eat healthily and leave it at that.

Let's support each other?