Fuck my roommate and her bullshit

It’s so not fucking fair that my roommate can still be so fucking skinny even though she eats shit all day and a bajillion fucking calories. And here I am, trying to eat healthily, all fresh produce blahblahblah, working out for hours at a time, and I still probably look giant in comparison. Why is it that I'm the one that has to struggle day in day out with an eating disorder while she can just do whatever the fuck she wants and stay the fucking same. My measurements and weight are ALL lower and smaller, but I just look disproportionate and fatty. Why is it that her body naturally has thighs that curve outward and a thin frame, and thin-looking arms, and just everything. She doesn't even deserve all this ease and just getting by life with a pass-go-collect-200-fucking-dollars card. She's inconsiderate, ill-tempered, whiny, privileged to all fucking hell, stubborn, unyielding, etc. etc. etc. It's really hard for me to come to hate anyone, but CONGRATULATIONS, ROOMMATE, you took the cake on this one! If anything, karma should be against her, not letting her get a free pass in life. Tou-fucking-cé, universe, and thanks a lot for reducing me to this sorry, jealous, ugly excuse for a human being. Fuck everything. I can't stand this girl. Just 1.5 more months and I will never have to deal with her again. 

Clearly I update once in a blue moon

I am really fucking terrible at posting, aren't I?

So over/after spring break, I gained a shitton of weight that I am trying hard to lose right now. Ate way too much, been eating way too much, and exercising too little. I'm trying my best to basically go from bulimia to anorexia. I rarely "actually" binge nowadays (according to the DSM) but I still have bouts of eating what seems like a lot to me and then needing to purge that. By bouts I mean like once a day. Sucks... at least it isn't like 4 times a day anymore, although it will never be as good as not doing it at all. I think my longest period of not b/p was right before and during spring break, lasting about 1.5 weeks. And the moment I got back to my apartment at uni.....bad times. I think my scale is broken so I still have no idea what I weigh, but.... it's definitely way too much.

I need a new diet. Clearly this eat-whatever-and-attempt-to-make-sure-I-don't-go-over-x-calories method isn't working out too well. lol. Any suggestions? Maybe sgd....?

Been a while

I've been gone much too long from here. Sorry about that, whoever reads these..

I was triggered by Tumblr, wasted a ton of time going through blogs and looking at thinspo and generally feeling shitty.... so I figured another post was definitely in order.

Lately, I've been home for break and I've barely counted calories, barely kept track of what I ate, and it feels kind of nice. Not gonna lie, it almost feels like I'm ...normal? lol. But, I feel so fucking fat and I've hardly done any exercise on top of all the eating I've been doing. I only sort of binged once in my entire ...week or so that I've been here now, which is really nice, but I still feel disgusting.

So...I guess where I'm at now is.. I'm not weighing myself, I'm not counting calories, and I'm not exercising like crazy. It's really nice, actually. But I do need to watch what I'm eating more. I think if I can just eat healthier, then it would be just like normal. Unfortunately, I still want to lose a shitton of weight and I still want to be much thinner, so... conflict of interest much? Haha.

In other news, I haven't purged in a really long time. Like, I can't even remember the last time. I haven't been counting the days, and maybe that makes it a little better? But... sometimes it's like my body will just automatically do it for me. And then I'm just kinda like...well if it's already in my mouth I might as well go spit it out. But that's rare, and I hope it stays that way (or else something might be terribly wrong!).

So yeah! How is everyone doing? I'm about to go catch up on all your blogs.

This girl fucking inspires me. Basically my dream body. 

(Almost. But that's just because I'm picky as fuck.)

Back to my old routine

After I broke my not-purging streak, I had just been terrible with all the cereal and snacks and whatnot in my apartment. b/p like twice a day. But! I started the 2-4-6-8 diet yesterday and I haven't b/p since sometime early on Saturday. Apparently I do need a strict diet to keep order in my life, hah. I did really well yesterday and ate almost all fruits and veggies, but then I was tempted with free Oreos and I couldn't resist. I didn't do too badly, though, since I only ate a few Oreos and then a serving of this Pasta Sides thing instead of half the pantry. And then I promptly went to the gym and worked it all off. :) Feels so good to work off my calories instead of purging. I think this is what I did back in December/early January, so I want to keep this up instead of my terrible b/p habits from late January/February. Yeah, they're both types of bulimia, but (at least in my mind), exercise bulimia is just so much healthier and better in every way. Except my legs are getting really muscular, so I am starting to look really athletic, rather than having the thin, elegant legs that I would like to have.

My scale has been completely off/broken, though. I weighed myself yesterday and the weight was pretty reasonable in range, compared to the other weights it gave me.... but too bad all the weights I saw were approximately 10 lbs. lighter than I know I actually am. And then last night, it decided to semi-work for a while, then give me weights that are (hopefully) ~5 lbs. heavier than I think I should be, instead. Great... Good thing I'm going home soon, where another, more-accurate, scale is hopefully waiting for me. Unless my parents returned it, since I'm the only one who would use it and I'm off at school most of the year. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, today is "4" day, and I already have my day planned out, so I should be good.