Been a while

I've been gone much too long from here. Sorry about that, whoever reads these..

I was triggered by Tumblr, wasted a ton of time going through blogs and looking at thinspo and generally feeling shitty.... so I figured another post was definitely in order.

Lately, I've been home for break and I've barely counted calories, barely kept track of what I ate, and it feels kind of nice. Not gonna lie, it almost feels like I'm ...normal? lol. But, I feel so fucking fat and I've hardly done any exercise on top of all the eating I've been doing. I only sort of binged once in my entire ...week or so that I've been here now, which is really nice, but I still feel disgusting.

So...I guess where I'm at now is.. I'm not weighing myself, I'm not counting calories, and I'm not exercising like crazy. It's really nice, actually. But I do need to watch what I'm eating more. I think if I can just eat healthier, then it would be just like normal. Unfortunately, I still want to lose a shitton of weight and I still want to be much thinner, so... conflict of interest much? Haha.

In other news, I haven't purged in a really long time. Like, I can't even remember the last time. I haven't been counting the days, and maybe that makes it a little better? But... sometimes it's like my body will just automatically do it for me. And then I'm just kinda like...well if it's already in my mouth I might as well go spit it out. But that's rare, and I hope it stays that way (or else something might be terribly wrong!).

So yeah! How is everyone doing? I'm about to go catch up on all your blogs.

This girl fucking inspires me. Basically my dream body. 

(Almost. But that's just because I'm picky as fuck.)

Day 5

Man, only slept about 3 hours and pulled an allnighter the night before. I'm really tired! Anyway, I finished the BHF diet without any cheating! Did not lose the full 10 lbs, of course, like I expected. Surprised I actually lost anything really at all, but it's probably all water since I was drinking a shitton of water/tea/coffee and consequently making 23948 restroom trips.

I was fucking retarded after midnight last night, though. Decided I was done with the diet, weighed myself to check the "final" results, and then went and eat tons and tons of food. Wheat snack crackers, jalapeno cheddar bread, ice cream, protein energy bar.... yeah I'm a dumbass for sure. I guess if I list it out it actually doesn't look too bad.. but I felt my body starting to reject all the random food I shoved into my system and I knew I wanted to purge.... I felt like a fucking drug addict going cold turkey. I was crying and actually shaking on the couch, knowing the toilet was right there and there was nobody to intervene...but myself. I'm on day 5 of being purge-free and I refuse to break my streak! That was really hard last night, but I'm glad I didn't let myself purge and instead I did some exercise, then went to bed. I mean, it was still 5:30am by the time I went to bed but that's better than staying up until the sun comes up because I was puking my brains out.

In other news, I don't think I'll be able to do as much high-impact exercise while my foot recovers from standing in 4-4.5" heels all day last weekend for a performance.... There's probably something wrong with my nerve since my middle toes goe numb for like a week every time I wear those particular pair of heels (hopefully just because those are my only really tall heels and not because they're shitty... they're my favorite pair, loll). I had to stop exercising for about 40 minutes yesterday just because it felt like a muscle in my foot was pulled. My toes were all twitchy and everything. My body must just be a giant wreck!

Here's part of the workout I did last night, found from Tumblr:

I learned what a burpee was for the first time last night thanks to this.

I think I should go on another sort of diet or meal plan to keep myself from going crazy like last night... My world needs order! Any suggestions or anyone that wants to do something together? I'm thinking I might try the Special K cereal one or SGD next.

Oh and I just want to share the pic I'm using as my Blogger pic since Louboutin heels are just fucking fabulous ♥ I would also love to have her legs, thanksss!