Success, for once

Going to bed hungry tonight. You know what that means.... I start the BHF diet tomorrow! :)

I'm actually pretty proud of myself. Today, I resisted basically all urges to buy junk food or just food in general on the way home from classes and such. I didn't completely overeat, and I went to the gym for about half an hour as well. I didn't purge either! Things are looking up. Hope the BHF diet gets me back on track for good.

I feel like the Mythbusters of dieting. I proved a Tumblr diet wrong in December and now it's time to see if the BHF actually works (not likely).

Time wasted

I waste so much time with this ED. When I'm not eating or thinking about wanting to eat, I'm always looking up calories, or looking for thinspo, or anything else related to food and EDs. It's tiring, and it's now the wee hours of the morning. Again. I just want to sleep early and wake up early so I can be productive in the mornings, but I can never be productive because I'm always worrying about stupid shit related to EDs. I've been watching episodes of "What's Eating You." It's a show that used to be on E! about people with eating disorders. It's interesting, but also makes me realize that, although I am fairly similar to the people on the show....I am not sick enough to be put onto a show. I'm not extreme enough and that's absolutely fine with me. I don't want to be sick enough to the point where my bone density is that of a 70 year old's. I don't want to let myself get to that point. Yet, I still want to lose weight. I still want to be skinnier. My daily intake budget keeps going down and down and what I could eat a year ago makes me severely uncomfortable now.

It's early/late already.... so much for my plans of going to the gym early and getting much done throughout the day. I am not even tired yet. Somehow. The worst thing is, the more I look up these ED stories and watch WEY, the more it just makes me want to eat. Fail.

Right now, I just want to go eat something, but I should wait until I wake up later. Eventually. Whenever that will be, because I have no idea when I'm actually going to bed.

I really just want to get back on track with a more healthy lifestyle, like eating more veggies and fruits and making sure I exercise regularly.. I'm thinking of doing the BHF diet as an experiment, and then perhaps I'll put myself on a new diet to keep myself in check. I think that, if I don't have something to work with, I just don't know what to do with myself and just b/p all day.

Anyone have any diets/plans to recommend?

Back to my old habits

I really tried, and have been trying, not to purge. I can usually go 1-2 days without, and then it's just back to doing it once a day, at least. Yesterday, to try to stop myself from purging more than once, I chewed/spat a lot of food. In the end, I have no idea what my intake for the day was because of all the chewing/spitting and the purges. That bothers me, that I can never properly calculate my daily intake because I don't know how much was actually purged. Funny though, that's one of the reasons I'd like to stop.

So, right now, I'm trying not to eat (much), so I don't have any reason to purge. I'd much rather not eat than throw up because I ate too much. I had some leftover frozen yogurt for breakfast, and a teeny bit of a cake slice, because I am a great fatass and sweet-tooth, and also so I would have had something for breakfast. I'm a big believer in eating breakfast of some sort to metabolize myself for the day, etc. etc.  But now it's past what's usual for "lunchtime" and I am getting hungry. Maybe it's a good thing I forgot my wallet today.

Allnighters

It gives me a weird satisfaction when I go to bed hungry, because it means I didn't overeat that day/night. It means I didn't binge, didn't give into my cravings, or didn't even have any cravings at all.

I don't really know what to think, though, when I've been hungry all night but I also haven't slept. Like...after not sleeping and not eating for an extended period of time, is it okay to eat again? It's almost 7am. Is that nearing breakfast time, or did me eating dinner last night mean I still shouldn't be eating yet because it hasn't even begun nearing "unreasonably long without food"? At this point, I can never tell if I'm really hungry or not anymore. lol the things I think about instead of actually being productive.

Allnighters really mess with my sleeping and eating schedules. I noticed I tend to binge more and just not really care what I'm shoving into my mouth once I'm dead and sleep-deprived from working all night. School is what is killing me slowly, not my ED, ironically. Fuck school. But not really because I still kind of care, for now.