Need to stop

It's still kind of hard to keep food down, or just be okay with food in general. I'm always either not eating or eating everything in sight. Go me.... :(

Earlier, I went to the gym, did my new workout (I'm actually sore from the past couple days of new workouts, by the way, yay!), and then ate a metric fuckton. That went something like this: the remainders of an apple (ok), a bag of nut mix (ok..ish), some steamed cauliflower (ok), a bit of asiago cheese (ok...), and thennnn... a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich (ehhh), shitton of ciabatta bread (eateateateat eat everything), a mini bagel (still eating still eating), another bag of nut mix (what am I doing), some more asiago cheese (ugh), and then I downed a Coke Zero (purging is imminent). And so I went and purged basically everything up to the cauliflower, I think. That's my first real(?) binge in a long time. Tomorrow will be better....I hope?

I went and inspected the state of my teeth and throat in the mirror too, and...I am most definitely ruining both by b/p so much. Or just at all. So...this needs to stop, and I'll just go back to my not-eating..... It's a bit scary how easy it is to transition between not eating and b/p-ing. But, at times like these, I'm glad for it. I used to be praised all the time for my white teeth. I see bits of yellow/darkness forming between my upper molars now....... That just breaks my heart.

This is (once again) day 0, no more purging.

Donuts are terrible

I live about a 3 minute walk from a 24-hour donut shop. I was actually hungry, so I wanted something to eat, but of course at 2 am, nothing is open. I did hold back a bit and bought only some donut holes and one donut, but I wasn't able to hold back from eating all of that. I tried so hard to purge just now......but barely anything at all came up. It was all saliva and perhaps a bit of blood because I may have scratched my throat. This sucks. There is donut holes and a donut too many inside me but there's nothing I can do to get it out. I am spending quality time at the gym today, for sure. I can't purge anymore. I don't want to, and my body refuses to do it anyway, so why try, right? If only my brain could listen to the rest of me! I feel so fat and gross right now...

Stay strong everyone, even when I can't. :(