SGD, finally :)

Oh hey look... It's Monday and I haven't eaten since like 7-8pm last night! Finally, I can properly start the SGD.

Day 1 and 400 calories, let's do this. Going to use this to get back on my workout mojo too. Scale says I've gained in fat and lost muscle, boooo.

I just finished Wintergirls

instead of doing my homework.

Lia's realization about 0 is kind of creepy, elegant, and kind of the scary truth all at once.

It scares me that it kind of hits a bit close to home since my UGW keeps going down. Definitely nowhere close to 0 though, thank goodness.

Wintergirls was kind of an eerie read. Not quite sure why I picked it up, tbh! Has anyone else read it?

April's ending

It's been forever since I've posted... again. This past week has been nonstop allnighters and barely eating. I started eating less and less this past week, which I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. It's good because I almost made it over a week without any purging (though after I started eating more again yesterday I completely ruined that streak). But, it's bad because I feel like every time I eat less than before, I get higher expectations for myself and restrict my intake more and more. This past week, I was eating barely under 2/3rds of what I used to eat, sometimes even half the amount. And I guess I didn't eat that much to begin with, before all this b/p craziness started. I think I would still rather eat less than purge because I felt guilty every time I ate, so I guess I do want to go back to doing that starting tomorrow. Yesterday was so terrible because I suddenly started eating like a normal person again... I purged after almost every meal. The only one I kept down really was the one that I had spontaneously with a friend at 4am. lol, random, right? And also a terrible time to be eating. But we had delicious Hong Kong food like honey toast (the giant kind with ice cream and fruit ohmygod) and walnut shrimp. Today, I ate leftovers from yesterday and had some boba but purged most of it. Only once though. That was my first time purging in the shower, since my roommate came home completely out of the blue early in the day... I can't believe how easy and how much less risky it was, but I won't let myself abuse that. I still want to stop. It wears me out so much and just saps all my energy. I feel more energized eating less than eating and purging later. I've gone to the gym probably like 2 times in the past week or so. That's seriously the least I've gone since like... December. Oh! And I got a new scale last week because my old one was just freaking out all over the place (like it would say one weight, then +20lbs, then -10lbs, etc etc, crazy stuff). The new one is fucking awesome; it measures body fat percentage, hydration, muscle mass, and bone mass. It wasn't even that expensive. I believe it was about $35-38. And I have Amazon Prime so free 2-day shipping, yeahh. But I did gain weight, like I had feared. I'm pretty sure it's at least like half muscle weight but still feels bad. And I really don't need/want anymore muscles. I'm seriously lost trying to figure out how to get thinner legs right now. Like, they're almost all lean already, so...when I'm done losing the fat (if that ever happens..) then.....what will I do then? My thighs make me the most self-conscious... But I don't know how to make them smaller since it's already almost all muscle. Really been bugging me lately... And I've been trying to work out my legs less and focus on my upper body for now until I've figured this out. Any tips/help?

Okay, back to homework... Last week of classes are over!! But I have 3 outstanding assignments, sigh. Hoping for more relaxation during finals week, ironically.

Stay well, everyone.

Need to stop

It's still kind of hard to keep food down, or just be okay with food in general. I'm always either not eating or eating everything in sight. Go me.... :(

Earlier, I went to the gym, did my new workout (I'm actually sore from the past couple days of new workouts, by the way, yay!), and then ate a metric fuckton. That went something like this: the remainders of an apple (ok), a bag of nut mix (ok..ish), some steamed cauliflower (ok), a bit of asiago cheese (ok...), and thennnn... a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich (ehhh), shitton of ciabatta bread (eateateateat eat everything), a mini bagel (still eating still eating), another bag of nut mix (what am I doing), some more asiago cheese (ugh), and then I downed a Coke Zero (purging is imminent). And so I went and purged basically everything up to the cauliflower, I think. That's my first real(?) binge in a long time. Tomorrow will be better....I hope?

I went and inspected the state of my teeth and throat in the mirror too, and...I am most definitely ruining both by b/p so much. Or just at all. So...this needs to stop, and I'll just go back to my not-eating..... It's a bit scary how easy it is to transition between not eating and b/p-ing. But, at times like these, I'm glad for it. I used to be praised all the time for my white teeth. I see bits of yellow/darkness forming between my upper molars now....... That just breaks my heart.

This is (once again) day 0, no more purging.

Decent day

I didn't do too badly today! I didn't have anything but a milk coffee during the afternoon and then a leftover slice of pizza for dinner. That's not too bad, even though I'd rather have my (bigger) meal at breakfast, but I woke up late today so oh well! However... my terrible roommate brought back an entire containerful of leftover Subway cookies and I couldn't keep myself from eating some. :( Damn you delicious pastries and damn you roommate. If it weren't for that, my day (food-wise) would have been awesome.

I'm all dressed now to go to the gym too. Wonder if I should try a new workout today. But first, milk tea time. Hello me, this is why you are fat.

Chocolate cravings

It was weirdly difficult for me to keep my food down yesterday. I ate after waking up late, then purged shortly after. Later during the day, I had a drink with a friend and I turned pink...so embarrassing. I glow like nothing else, even though I can take more than just one shot. Then again, that might've had to do with purging everything I ate earlier in the day.. Anyway, after we had our drink and some Dreyer's Samoas ice cream (limited edition deliciousness...), we went to go get dinner. I was good and only ate half of the whole thing, but then later last night I randomly decided to have the other half, and some chocolate as well, which ended up all going into the toilet along with most of what I had eaten of dinner earlier in the night. And right now I'm somehow still craving chocolate. Even though I ate some during the day and threw up almost everything I had eaten...

This has never happened before, where I just didn't want any food in me, where eating a small portion wasn't enough. I mean, I've always thought that I'd rather not eat than b/p, but this is the first time where I'd thrown up nearly everything I had eaten for the day. In a way, I'm glad I didn't binge today, but I'm also disappointed that I haven't been able to keep purge-free for the entire past week. I'm not quite sure what to make of this right now.

My scale is still broken and it's driving me crazy. So I've been going by visuals and that's been bothering me too... I had a slight thigh gap for a while and then after spring break, it's barely there anymore. But... it doesn't necessarily feel like fat... so I suppose I've gained muscle. I (sort of) know how to get rid of fat, but I don't know how to slim down muscles, so now I feel stuck. I still feel so fat, but now it's not just that; I am now big as well. Everything has felt so off since March.

Donuts are terrible

I live about a 3 minute walk from a 24-hour donut shop. I was actually hungry, so I wanted something to eat, but of course at 2 am, nothing is open. I did hold back a bit and bought only some donut holes and one donut, but I wasn't able to hold back from eating all of that. I tried so hard to purge just now......but barely anything at all came up. It was all saliva and perhaps a bit of blood because I may have scratched my throat. This sucks. There is donut holes and a donut too many inside me but there's nothing I can do to get it out. I am spending quality time at the gym today, for sure. I can't purge anymore. I don't want to, and my body refuses to do it anyway, so why try, right? If only my brain could listen to the rest of me! I feel so fat and gross right now...

Stay strong everyone, even when I can't. :(

Late night cravings suck!

I just binged on two pastries: a ham/cheese/jalapeno croissant and a chocolate chip roll. I'm debating right now if I should just go to the gym and burn off what I can and do better tomorrow/today (the smart choice), or to go purge to the toilet, then go to the gym. I can't stand all of this food sitting in my stomach.... and I still have electrolyte water left over for after-purging..... This shouldn't be a hard decision. Bulimia's grips on me were especially strong this past week...

As for this week... my fridge is pretty empty, and I'm not going to let myself shop for groceries until everything is gone. I think I have at least four-five days' worth of meals in there, if I don't eat much. Especially if I try that thing where I eat in the morning, skip lunch, then eat a light dinner.

My scale is still completely broken but I know I've gained a lot, and I want to get back on track starting today. It's a new month already.... new month to reach that next goal weight! I think once I get down to my UGW, I'll focus more on measurements instead of numbers on the scale. Then my broken scale wouldn't matter.

Too many setbacks last month, with all my binging and purging. This month will be better.

 I want this.

I hate my tummy and my thighs.

Just pretending to be a runner

I've been purging once a day, every day, for the past week. Why is it so hard to stop this! Sometimes, I'll eat alright, but just feel like I've eaten too much...and then purge. Although, the last time I purged, I realized that I get this morbid satisfaction during/after purging... It's really odd.

About 2.5 hours ago, I ran 2 laps around the track, felt oddly exhausted, took a decently-long break, then timed my mile time. I was hoping to get to (or beat!) my previous record way back from freshman year of high school, but my 15-years old self won by 19 seconds. My record was (and still is I guess) 7:21. I'm kind of sad my mile time wasn't better than my old record since I've been running and exercising so much since December and have been training towards a 5k marathon. I should be fitter than before, but.... Well, I guess considering it was 3:30am and I had purged once before then.... I guess the mile time wasn't too bad after all? I would love to get down to a 6-minute mile!

Stay strong, lovelies. I'll try better to update more frequently. Blogging really helps sometimes. <3